My married ex says she misses me and wants us to revive our relationship

Hello Bwana Kitoto,

I trust this e-mail finds you well. I’ve been reading your responses to relationship concerns and decided to seek your advice. Several years back, I used to date this woman who later got married to someone else. She has one child. I recently married, but we are still in touch. She says my bedroom skills were out of this world and that she would like us to meet one day for a rematch.

What do I do?

Hi,

What both of you feel towards each other is lust and a desire to fulfil the desires of the flesh without due consideration of the consequences thereafter. From a moral point of view, I believe that what the two of you are plotting will hurt your marriages deeply.

How do you think her husband and your wife would feel and react if they discovered your treachery? Think with me for a moment; if your ex could be that bold to ask for sexual favours, could it be that you are just one of the many she has proposed this to? Once a door is opened to adultery, most times there is no turning back.

One way of winning this war against going back on your marital promise is to acknowledge that you have a weakness that needs to be attended to. Acknowledging weakness or failure is the first step to dealing with what you are faced with.

Second, understand why you are even thinking about cheating. Is it because of certain shortcomings in your marriage or it is due to personal weaknesses? This is important because it will help you learn how to deal with the desire to be unfaithful to your wife. Third, confront your weakness or desire to go outside your marriage. If your marriage has a deficiency, then seek ways to remedy the situation. If the temptation to have an affair is not prompted by a deficiency in your marriage, then learn how to practice self-control because this is not the only temptation you will be confronted with. Fourth, seek an accountability partner. This should possibly be a male friend who you can talk to about your desire. The person you choose to talk to must be morally upright and one you look up to.

The man that I loved used me and dumped me. Four years later, I’m yet to get over the betrayal.

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

The man I fell in love with has destroyed my life. He had initially tried to date my older sister, but it did not work out. My sister is now happily married to someone else. Anyway, I got into a relationship with this man even though he was married and I ended up getting pregnant, which was a pleasant surprise because I had fibroids and had been informed that I would only get pregnant when they shrunk. My fallopian tubes were also blocked.

This man wasn’t happy when he learnt that I was pregnant, and tried to convince me to have an abortion but I refused. Two months later, I lost my baby, and I suspect that he was behind it. He must have put something in my drink. After that, he went quiet on me; in fact, I haven’t heard from him since 2016.

This man now has three kids. His third child came after my miscarriage. My grudge for him is still alive. I still have the ultrasound that I took in 2016 showing that I was two months pregnant. I wish to be happy and I need get over my miscarriage.

Hi,

From your description of this man you haven’t got over since 2016, you should be happy that he is out of your life. It’s clear, as you pointed out, that he was with you purely for personal gratification.

He was also a married man at the time of your relationship, therefore, he was cheating on his wife. This is not a caring or responsible man, and I suggest that you look for ways to move on with your life.

It’s obvious that you were disappointed by the loss of your pregnancy and that you suspect this man had something to do with it. When people’s objectives and desires differ, such a thing is bound to happen. This man was not interested in your happiness, rather, his personal satisfaction. There is need for you to resolve your inner feelings concerning this loss.

Forgiveness helps us to get it right with self, God and others. You’re doing yourself a disservice by carrying past wounds and hurts that were inflicted long ago. In this life, we’re bound to make mistakes and hurt others, while there are those who will treat us badly. When this happens, we must wake up, dust ourselves and move on with life. Life is too short to waste dwelling on things that we have no control over.

To move ahead, first acknowledge that there are issues that cause you great distress. Second, do something about the matters that you have power over. For example, forgive those who have hurt you. Third, purpose to move on with your life without regret; yesterday is gone and God has allowed you to see today, so take advantage of that.

Use today and the days ahead to rewrite your story as you aim to be proud of who you are becoming, which drives me to the third issue.

I sense lots of bitterness, anger, pain, and regret within you. Yes, you made some mistakes. We all do, but it’s possible to right these mistakes. You can start by viewing them as a learning opportunity. Those that are willing and ready to learn from their past are more emotionally prepared to face future challenges. You also need to be strategic about the people you choose to associate with in future. Renowned preacher, Joel Osteen cautions: “Be careful with whom you associate, especially when you feel emotionally vulnerable.”

And you can find love again with the right person. First, start by being positive about dating again, but avoid people who would want to use your pain to take advantage of you. Second, be careful about an attraction that focuses on sexual desire or allowing yourself to use sex as a way to deal with your past, and third, do not allow yourself to be led by the fear of being alone.

Our religions are different, will our relationship work?

Good day,

My man and I are of different religions. He believes that marriage will not work out for us because of this. Can you advise us on how to make our relationship work?

Hi,

I’ve answered questions on the matter of faith and religion several times in this column. I’ll summarise what I’ve said before. First, find out what makes the two of you different. Can you see clear differences that exist between your religious beliefs? What are these differences?

You then need to determine if they are core enough to compromise what you believe in and who you are. If you were to embrace your partner’s way of worship, what will fundamentally change in your doctrine and practice? Do you find a problem with their doctrine? These questions will help you determine what you can and cannot compromise. If your religious differences depart fundamentally from what you believe, then you need to let each other know the areas of dispute.

If no solution can be agreed upon, the best thing is to go separate ways. This is important because one’s religious inclination affects behaviour, beliefs, values, and practices.

Second, you need to determine whether he respects your views on religion. When your religious differences are fundamentally different, I suggest that rather than argue and fight about it, you allow each other to be free to practice what you believe in. But this can only work in an environment where your beliefs and convictions are not hindered or challenged. When you make the choice to respect each other’s beliefs, this will ultimately help you appreciate that God is the one who leads us to our spiritual destiny.

Our religious convictions are either based on what we saw our parents practice or the result of a personal encounter with God. As a result, neither you nor your partner should force the other to ascribe to what they believe in.

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]